$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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