my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
