Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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