1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You need a sexual gate keeper
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
