if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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