My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
