The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
