3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
