Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When are your genitals available?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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