I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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