20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There's always time for handjobs
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
