you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
