...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
