I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
