You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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