Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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