Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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