how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't deserve a penis
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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