I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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