Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
