Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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