So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
