But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
sex in a hospital.. check
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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