we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're breaking my sexual little heart
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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