Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
