I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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