I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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