Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
