Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
