she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
