Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
