If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I wear drunk well.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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