I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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