Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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