I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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