I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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