My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
