My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
