Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
