I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
