Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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