beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
