the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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