haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
