Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
