I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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