I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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