please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
