All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
