Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
