I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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