last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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